What's my true calling?

What do you do when you're 39, single and trying to find the real reason why you are on this planet? Well I don't know about you but I sure as hell, write a blog. I have wondered my entire life what my true calling was. Its heck of a complex question and your mind plays tricks on you from time to time. But one thing that became apparently clear in the last 7 years after I started a bunch of companies is, I don't want to be bound in an environment that compels me to follow a system. Ever seen the apple 1984 ad

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axSnW-ygU5g

Can you spot the emancipation? The feeling of freedom and the autonomy that it brings. Well that is the kind of job I have always wanted. The last 17 years have been quite a journey of self discovery.

As a clueless 80s Bengali kid growing up on Satyajeet Ray's Feluda and He-Man, I did have a taste of the world that was inherently simple. All I had as a kid were my friends and boatloads of books(one might find in every Bong household). School was fun. I was good with academics, sports and extracurriculars. I really didn't know much about what careers are? I didn't understand much about why I was being fed this career thing by my dad every now and then. I mean it was boring. Who would wanna listen to that crap when you got your friends waiting for you in the football stadium? Apparently my childhood just like everybody's childhood was perhaps the last time I ever experienced happiness. It just whisked away in a flash and I found myself with 61 % marks in my class 12th at the receiving end of everyone's torment and torture. Clearly I had no idea what would I do. if one were to believe my dad , I were to never have any solid career post my class 12th. My dad was so pissed at me that he even got me a form for the post of a Peon. He did take constant digs at me for not doing that great in Class 12th. It was a catastrophic moment in my life. To be frank unlike the kids I see today, I barely had any idea what would I do. Engineering seemed like the natural progression. I mean every friend of mine was prepping for engineering. So I jumped into the well without realising what I was getting into. Unlike the Silicon Valley stories I have read where people have had this fascination for technology since their childhood, I really didn't have any fascination let alone spending Gladwellian 10000 hours to master tech. I was an empty vessel trying to figure out my place in the big bad world.

Since I didn't really do any kind of serious prep, I didn't really crack any competitive exams considered to be the wormhole to any prestigious college in India(the likes of IITs, NITs etc). Anyway somehow I got into this less than mediocre college that offered me a seat. This wasn't the quintessential college I had dreamt of. This was a really atrocious college with some of the worst folks from across the state. In fact it did seem like that to me, a Convent educated dude. Even then I had no clue what I was doing and why I was doing it. Simon Sinek talks about the 'why' part in his cult book 'start with why'. But for me it was still a system I was trying hard to unravel.One thing where I did consider myself a little better than the rest was the logic part. Thanks to learning LOGO language and BASIC quite early in school, my logic development was a little intact. I would try to make sense of what was taught to me logically. So when our so called lecturers would ask us to cram some formula or some algorithm, I'd be the one to ask what that algorithm did and how it could be applied in a real time situation, relentlessly, inspite of the chagrin of the lecturer. In fact that is how I actually understood 'the traveling salesman problem' and many other algorithms. I was doing all the classes and was taking all the exams and my grades too were decent but I really didn't know what or why I was doing it. By 3rd year a small change happened. I did develop a liking for technology. I don't know how it happened but I wanted to know what it takes to build a tech to solve a problem. Did I tell you I have always been a curious kid since the beginning. Even till date I still ponder a lot about how things work. Guess they call you a thinker once you're all buffed up and adult. Anyway engineering also kinda came to a much needed end, and I found myself trying out hard for jobs. 2002 was a gruesome year and there wasn't much chance in the market thanks to the 9/11 event that triggered a recession in the last quarter of 2001. Even then I had no clue what I would be doing save the bare minimum that I'd be working for a software company. So after trying out for close to a month or two I landed up a contractual gig for a small company in Pune. This wasn't the Google I was hoping for.

This was where they made you sweat till you are drained. Fortunately it worked for me since I realised I barely knew anything. I mean I did at a theoretical level but save my summer training project which was about identifying four different types of malignant tumours that appeared similar after all the clinical tests. Though I could code I had barely done any significant work towards solving a problem. I was sort of zero, a glorified one though. Anyway after a year of gruesome work and all nighters , I did get a whiff of what it is to build a product. From then till now, I'd have worked as an engineer on some of the most complex software on the planet that includes the likes of HANA. In 2012 after spending close to a decade in tech I decided to start my own company.

As expected I failed miserably save a few wins. I have actually written about the lessons I learnt from those gigs in a blog that got pretty viral and was captured by quartz magazine. So in a nutshell I have dabbled in tech, products, entrepreneurship, innovation along with people management. I have done growth gigs with companies. I have mentored startups. I have taught strategy and innovation to B-School students. I even ran a think tank for UNESCO for 2 years. Not to mention I used a scholarship given to me by Stanford GSB and wrapped up their Ignite program in 2015. I even helped 2 state governments to write their innovation policies and startup policies.Recently I completed a social gig with an NGO since I wanted to understand what really happens in rural India. At this juncture for the last couple of years I have been thinking really hard about what is my true calling? I believe it took Buddha almost 7 years to receive enlightenment.

This might seem like a nonsensical discussion to the normal mind but its actually one of the biggest challenges all creatively successful people had to face all their lives. From Karl Marx yearning for recognition in the renaissance, to Leonardo Da Vinci trying to be immaculately perfect to Steve Jobs trying to find his place in the 60s in America to Ralph Lauren trying to make a mark with his designs to Ray Kroc trying to start McDonalds at 52. Its always bugged people who have tried real hard to find their true calling. The problem is that our social fabric embeds a dream in our collective psyches that makes us stray away from perfection or our true calling and do jobs which are just a means to an end. We never realise it since our worldview is tampered with things like marriage, kids, buying property, saving money, foreign trips etc. I am not denying having a family life is a great perk but our individual true calling is why we are here. Unfortunately most people I have met in my life suppressed what they actually wanted to do and chose to do otherwise. Remember this scene from 3 idiots where Madhavan convinces his dad to allow him to pursue his passion, his true calling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpQklluO2Y0

I feel true calling is extremely important for any individual and devoid of which there are multiple regrets that happen either in old age or on death bed. I have grappled with a lot of unease all my life in a bid to find what is my true calling. I have had people tell me I was a brilliant product person. There were peers who told me I am a great people's person since I could connect with people real well and they ended up liking me. I have been told by a lot of people that I have quite an entrepreneurial brain and I really didn't understand what that meant. I guess it means to be street smart but I am not sure. The only thing I am sure about is that I really haven't found my true calling save for a few trivial details that I'd like to explore the rest of my life. So after much introspection I decided to take a sabbatical and think hard on what I wish to do. Over the last 2 months I have explored subjects I hated like finance. Interestingly a peep into the financial territory gives you answers to a lot of riddles wrt everything around you. I have wrapped up reading a lot of literature around behavioural psychology that gave me a glimpse into the human mind and how it works. I did use a lot of it during the growth gigs I have been part of but this time I delved deep into it. I read a lot of business biographies that gave me an insight to some of the most brilliant minds on the planet.As a side project I am also building a product and relearning coding since I completely forgot about coding after being dormant for close to 4 years. So essentially tech, finance, psychology and economics can perhaps help one understand the enigmas of the current world. This is a blissful period of my life which has given me a ,lot of time to think and explore a lot of things. Its seemingly so creative that it has actually given me ideas that I never toyed with. Ideas that could help create some jaw dropping products. I am using this time to write a lot. I also made peace with the fact that its alright to be clueless. Its part and parcel of the human evolutionary process.I would also use this time to travel a lot over the next 2 months to explore South East Asia and meet some new people. I am writing 2 books , one of which I am almost about to wrap up. I am answering a lot of questions on quora which is again a nonsensical exercise thanks to the pathetic quality of questions. I am connecting with old school friends and reigniting those bonds that I had deserted. I am exercising rigorously to lose weight. This could be described as my path to self realisation. As Nietzsche said ,"There are no beautiful surfaces without a terrible depth", guess I'll have to drown in the depth of my mind to emerge out as a winner, as a person who perhaps knows his true calling. I refuse to lead a normal and comfortable life. That is perhaps the only way to salvation, at least for me. And if this doesn't kill me, perhaps it will make me stronger. Guess its just one life we get and 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'.